Accidental Gratitude Journaling

The Practice That Saved Me—And the Voices That Almost Killed It

The summer before my sophomore year in high school, something extraordinary happened in my life. At the time, I was completely unaware of what was happening. I had no real understanding of how our thoughts and emotions shape our reality. Now, reflecting on it, I can see how faith and hope quietly entered my life to set things in motion, but back then, it simply felt miraculous.

Initially, it felt like an amazing stroke of luck. I had been experiencing deep depression for the past three or four years, triggered by my father's death and the perceived rejection and loneliness that followed. I had been in a very deep hole—one that I had pretty much settled into.

Suddenly, everything got brighter. Everything started to change. Because of my depression, I had developed social anxiety, but out of nowhere, social connection started to become much easier. I was dumbfounded, but elated. I was receiving attention from friends, strangers, and all sorts of people at school. The world around me was bursting with new and exhilarating experiences that filled my days with joy and excitement.

It started with something small, yet monumental to my teenage self: I was always my best friend's wingwoman, helping her connect while feeling invisible myself. Then, one day, the very person I was trying to set her up with turned to me and said, "Actually, I'd rather hang out with you." It felt like a miracle from the heavens, a validation I'd never dreamed possible. Suddenly, it seemed maybe I wasn't destined to just be the go-between. This unexpected shift, this sudden visibility, was the spark.

This moment was revolutionary for me, yet it highlighted a painful truth. What felt like miracles—people smiling at me, someone actually remembering my name after class, a casual conversation that flowed easily—were utterly normal, even taken for granted, by people like my best friend. For years, I had gotten used to being unseen and forgotten. I'd been steeped in a loneliness so profound it manifested as a running joke: in any new group, people would remember my friends—Shannon, Jenny, Michelle—and consistently forget me. I was background noise.

The social ease I now glimpsed wasn't just new; it felt like the entire world was opening up to me. Even old friends approached me, asking, "What's different about you?"

I was on top of the world, not because of monumental events, but because a series of these small, "normal" interactions were building momentum, whispering a terrifyingly hopeful message: maybe life could be good for me too.

The Accidental Discovery

Prompted by these changes and wanting to hold onto this newfound feeling, I started to keep a list of all the wonderful things happening in my life. At that time, in the mid-90s, gratitude journaling was not a well-known practice. No one was telling us how important cultivating gratitude in our lives was. I was simply documenting the magical moments that made me feel like life was smiling at me. I hid it away where no one could find it, for fear that others would think I was full of myself. I was completely unaware that this simple act of documenting joy was a practice many would later recognize as a powerful tool for personal growth.

However, the act felt somewhat scandalous to me. Having spent much of my adolescence grappling with feelings of depression and low self-worth, celebrating my successes almost felt wrong. The idea of focusing on the positive seemed to fly in the face of my ingrained belief that I should be humble and self-deprecating. Yet, there was an undeniable connection between the gratitude I expressed and the good fortune that seemed to flow into my life. Each time I acknowledged something wonderful that happened, it was as if the universe responded by gifting me with even more amazing interactions.

Looking back, I now understand this magic was actually a core principle of how our minds shape reality. Without knowing it, by focusing my attention and emotions on the positive, I was cultivating the feeling of my desired reality. My inner landscape was shifting, and the outer world began to manifest this new, brighter consciousness. The universe, in effect, was mirroring back the very joy and abundance I was affirming within myself.

The Voices of Doubt

Eventually, I decided to share this life-changing experience with two of my closest friends, hoping they would understand and support my newfound outlook on life. To my dismay, their response was full of skepticism. They cautioned me against continuing my list, suggesting that I was becoming conceited and self-absorbed. Their reaction pierced my heart, casting doubt on the joy I had begun to embrace. I started to feel shame for keeping a record of all the positive interactions I'd had, and silly for thinking it meant something.

In a moment of vulnerability, I chose to listen to their advice and put an end to my gratitude list. It's no exaggeration to say that shortly after I stopped, my life began to spiral downward again.

In retrospect, it wasn't just the absence of a list; it was the discontinuation of a powerful, though unconscious, act of creating my reality. Their skepticism, which I internalized, became my own. The outer world always reflects our inner state, so once I accepted the previous perceptions again, my reality shifted back to the previous pattern.

Without the consistent recognition of the good in my life, I found myself slipping back into the shadows of negativity and despair. The momentum I had built through gratitude faded away, leaving me feeling lost and disconnected from the joy and enthusiasm about life I had been experiencing. I started feeling like there was no reason to try because even if I did find happiness, my friends would begrudge me for it.

I wish I had been strong enough at the time to continue practicing gratitude despite what others around me were advising, but alas, like many things, I would have to live a little more to learn.

The Wisdom of Hindsight

It wasn't until many years later, upon reflection, that I realized the importance of nurturing one's inner light, regardless of the opinions of others. As I contemplate that summer now, I recognize it as a turning point—a moment when I unknowingly danced with the forces of the universe, only to give up when faced with doubt. In hindsight, it is clear that the power of gratitude can be life-changing, and embracing it is a journey that requires courage and faith, even when faced with skepticism from those we care about.

This early dance with the power of gratitude was, in many ways, the first step on The Unfolding Path I now walk. It taught me that true freedom and sustained joy come not from external validation, but from the unwavering courage to claim our own internal power and nurture our inner wisdom—even in the face of doubt and discouragement.

An Invitation

If my story resonates, if something in you whispers: "This could be for me too," consider this simple practice born from my own accidental discovery: Start your own gratitude list. You don't need anything elaborate—just a place to capture the moments, big or small, past or present, that spark a sense of appreciation within you. Make it a habit, no matter how brief, to add to it daily. Keep it private if that feels safer, as I once did.

The power lies not in the format, but in the consistent act of turning your attention toward what feels good, what feels like a gift. Begin where you are. Notice the shift. See what unfolds.

Photo by Kristina Ray

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